I suddenly felt like blogging.
Seconds ago, i was on the phone with LOTS of people
I suppose i should call- friends.
As i ended each call,
I realized my heart sunk deeper and deeper into my chest.
What is this feeling?
Rejection? Disappointment? Hope? Fear?
Emotions were in a bundle.
Why is it that i still have to take a deep breath,
Before i could make the next call?
Why is it that i fear moving down the number list?
Gosh! I hate being the organiser.
I fear having to send out SMS invites and getting n0 reply...
I feel sad when i don't receive any reply at all, especially after a day or two...
I dread that i need to re-call them again and yes, get rejected somemore...
Omg... Have you guys thought about me before?
How I have to get everything else sorted,
And still worry that you guys won't make it?
Be it whatever outing or whatever event?
I dont know if this is a normal reaction,
But i simply just feel that when these things happen,
I tend to lose faith, i tend to feel hurt.
I tend to question if these people care about me or not.
I don't mind the reply.
Even if it is a, "I'm sorry, i can't go this time because..."
And ends with a sincere, "I'll do my best to make it next time k?"
As long as you smsed back, or better still, called me back and explained.
NOT Miss call me and expect me to call you back!
Then again i think to myself,
Is it my own fault that i get turned down this often?
Is it my personality that people cannot accept that i dont know about?
Is it at all the issue of my own sensibility towards others?
Or have i been OVER-sensitive about things?
Frankly, i LOVE friends.
It is easy for me to love people, surprisingly easy.
But is this love necessary? I need to keep asking myself!
I don't understand....
Some whom i spoke on the phone sounded grave and strange.
Some seemed to didn't care much about what i was suggesting.
Some totally cut me off by saying,
"You're talking about serious stuff, i don't have time to talk about this!"
But what did i do first? I considerately asked if they were free to talk or not.
If they werent, i told them i would call them back later again.
But no, they would not reject me then.
They insisted they were free,
But when the topic crept in,
Immediately, i was laid off.
Omg... I have feelings too okayh...
Although i don't choose to be moody and grumpy in front of you!
I don't like people around me to worry about me and pry!
But please! Why can't there be more enthusiasm and more consideration?
I haven't known you guys long.
I suspect that this is why this is happening.
I cannot hope too much.
I shouldnt be so unconditional.
I dont remember myself never replying any urgent matters!
Especially those which needs confirmation!
I may take time at times, but i ALWAYS reply.
Why can't you do the same?
I know that things take time.
Yes, it does!
But at least let the person know!
Don't they deserve to be thanked for going through all that trouble?
Gosshh!! Now i understand why people pay tonnes for managers.
But i am seriously weary now.
I fear.
I never used to fear like this.
I cannot accept anymore cold replies.
Especially those with cuts in it.
Organising is such a painful job.
I wish i would never need to do more again.
But i know, there will still be these days.
Because I CARE.
Because i want to stay close!
Because i want to be with people i love!
Yet, i silently hope.
Hope that this love will not betray me any longer.
Hope that this love will sustain in me and never run out!
Everytime, much effort is needed for this battle...
Almost everytime, i get scrutinized and emotional.
How i wished just one day,
I neednt wake up to such a dreadful reality.
How i wished one day,
Everyone would be peaceful with everyone...
And this feeling i have now will never again exist...
I wish... :'''(
So i want to say THANK YOU to these people!
Who had made my life easier!
And because of what they have done,
Keep that torch of faith in me ignited!
I truly appreciate and love you guys!
Thank YOU........................................
Samantha~
For coming down all the way from Kuantan just to make it! Babe, you rock MAX!!! Hommies FOREVER!! I mean it! ^.^W
Philip~
For making every effort for every outing i invited you to! :D
Jacky~
For calling me using your daddy's phone, and apologising and explaining...
I really, REALLY appreciate that! :'')
Willis~
For making rejection less painful with all the Sorrys in your smses!
Hahahaha You really are one of a kind, Rocket Boy! ^_^
Chee Sum~
For having to deal with us every single time you organise an outing!
I seriously feel your pain now, and wonder if i have ever thanked you enough! :'')
Cheers to you all!
Have a wonderful holiday yeahh!
And and, see you on the 4th of Sept!! : )
Seconds ago, i was on the phone with LOTS of people
I suppose i should call- friends.
As i ended each call,
I realized my heart sunk deeper and deeper into my chest.
What is this feeling?
Rejection? Disappointment? Hope? Fear?
Emotions were in a bundle.
Why is it that i still have to take a deep breath,
Before i could make the next call?
Why is it that i fear moving down the number list?
Gosh! I hate being the organiser.
I fear having to send out SMS invites and getting n0 reply...
I feel sad when i don't receive any reply at all, especially after a day or two...
I dread that i need to re-call them again and yes, get rejected somemore...
Omg... Have you guys thought about me before?
How I have to get everything else sorted,
And still worry that you guys won't make it?
Be it whatever outing or whatever event?
I dont know if this is a normal reaction,
But i simply just feel that when these things happen,
I tend to lose faith, i tend to feel hurt.
I tend to question if these people care about me or not.
I don't mind the reply.
Even if it is a, "I'm sorry, i can't go this time because..."
And ends with a sincere, "I'll do my best to make it next time k?"
As long as you smsed back, or better still, called me back and explained.
NOT Miss call me and expect me to call you back!
Then again i think to myself,
Is it my own fault that i get turned down this often?
Is it my personality that people cannot accept that i dont know about?
Is it at all the issue of my own sensibility towards others?
Or have i been OVER-sensitive about things?
Frankly, i LOVE friends.
It is easy for me to love people, surprisingly easy.
But is this love necessary? I need to keep asking myself!
I don't understand....
Some whom i spoke on the phone sounded grave and strange.
Some seemed to didn't care much about what i was suggesting.
Some totally cut me off by saying,
"You're talking about serious stuff, i don't have time to talk about this!"
But what did i do first? I considerately asked if they were free to talk or not.
If they werent, i told them i would call them back later again.
But no, they would not reject me then.
They insisted they were free,
But when the topic crept in,
Immediately, i was laid off.
Omg... I have feelings too okayh...
Although i don't choose to be moody and grumpy in front of you!
I don't like people around me to worry about me and pry!
But please! Why can't there be more enthusiasm and more consideration?
I haven't known you guys long.
I suspect that this is why this is happening.
I cannot hope too much.
I shouldnt be so unconditional.
I dont remember myself never replying any urgent matters!
Especially those which needs confirmation!
I may take time at times, but i ALWAYS reply.
Why can't you do the same?
I know that things take time.
Yes, it does!
But at least let the person know!
Don't they deserve to be thanked for going through all that trouble?
Gosshh!! Now i understand why people pay tonnes for managers.
But i am seriously weary now.
I fear.
I never used to fear like this.
I cannot accept anymore cold replies.
Especially those with cuts in it.
Organising is such a painful job.
I wish i would never need to do more again.
But i know, there will still be these days.
Because I CARE.
Because i want to stay close!
Because i want to be with people i love!
Yet, i silently hope.
Hope that this love will not betray me any longer.
Hope that this love will sustain in me and never run out!
Everytime, much effort is needed for this battle...
Almost everytime, i get scrutinized and emotional.
How i wished just one day,
I neednt wake up to such a dreadful reality.
How i wished one day,
Everyone would be peaceful with everyone...
And this feeling i have now will never again exist...
I wish... :'''(
So i want to say THANK YOU to these people!
Who had made my life easier!
And because of what they have done,
Keep that torch of faith in me ignited!
I truly appreciate and love you guys!
Thank YOU........................................
Samantha~
For coming down all the way from Kuantan just to make it! Babe, you rock MAX!!! Hommies FOREVER!! I mean it! ^.^W
Philip~
For making every effort for every outing i invited you to! :D
Jacky~
For calling me using your daddy's phone, and apologising and explaining...
I really, REALLY appreciate that! :'')
Willis~
For making rejection less painful with all the Sorrys in your smses!
Hahahaha You really are one of a kind, Rocket Boy! ^_^
Chee Sum~
For having to deal with us every single time you organise an outing!
I seriously feel your pain now, and wonder if i have ever thanked you enough! :'')
Cheers to you all!
Have a wonderful holiday yeahh!
And and, see you on the 4th of Sept!! : )
5 Comments to "Dread and fear"