Loving me for Me.

Dare I say it? It is 5.15am and what am i doing? LOLS!! Merdeka-ing? Haha.... Sorta?
Came back from an evening's outing with Sam and J'ers! Goshh Unbelievably tired at first, but sleep swept away for apparent reason. Chatted with Cuzzie, and there we go talking about food! Ahahahaa... Now i'm hungry! XD

Oh well, he're are some pics which i totally love! Happy 18th Birthday my dear! I really hope you had a good time despite the cacat-ness at the restaurant! Haha Will think of ways to make it up to u later! *BIG HUGS* : )

Today just sort of started for me. Unlike most of the other days, i find myself home alone. Not that i don't enjoy my current solitude, but the sudden silence of the house, and today's colder than usual weather has given me time to think over certain things.

A few days now i wanted to blog. But somehow, every time I'm almost all ready to, something distracts me! XD!! I know right? Irritating as things abrupt my line of thought. Nonetheless, now almost nestled up in my bedroom in this empty house, i find myself thinking about A LOT of random things. Hehe...

I was watching TV since morning. Made my own "instant lunch", and there i was, glued to the screens, watching Micheal Jackson on Channel V. Sigh... I didn't realise how much his death has affected me. I felt somewhat sad, yet at the same time, in admiration of this talented, troubled man. His life, his glory, his fans. Shit he was faced with, he endured. Adoration he was engulfed in, he remained humble, humane.

Although i admit, i felt prejudice and quite disgusted towards him when he was first accused of being pedophilic towards children. Suits were filed, and his integrity and moral challenged. Someone of his stature, well known for his contributions to the less fortunate, and an educator of peace to the world. A person who has touched and aided so many lives all around the world, being sued for such a sinful act. I wonder how his fans felt when they first heard this.

For me, i was never much of a fan. Despite this, constant news of his life constantly buzzed around due to his prominence in his industry. However, as i think now, i realize that there was a reason for my bias presumption which was - hes guilty, of his charge.

One of his many hit songs, Black or White was brilliant! Needless to say, millions admired him for his bold confidence and ability to accept himself for who he was, and it didn't matter if he was black, everyone is a SOMEONE. That was what his song resonated, giving encouragement to those whose esteem was low and who felt insignificant.

Me, being one who was blown away by such deep meaning even at my then young age, was feeling shocked and betrayed when he announced later that he was going for a full body plastic surgery to become white. He was willing to even risk losing his life for the new make-over. All for what? For false reassurance, to fill in and bury all insecurity he felt as a black man. And what did this mean? Hypocrisy for ALL he meant in his song. Besides this, i could not look at him anymore. His face, pale and artificial, resembled the devil to me. I was terrified and very grossed out.

What led me to believe he could have assaulted a child, such an atrocious act, was solely due to this. That as kind and caring as he seemed, it could all have been an ACT, for publicity. I'm sure this turned many of his fans away from him, but yes, you couldn't blame them for thinking what i think too. The possibility is there. THAT, we need consider.

So finally the suit was over, and Micheal was acquitted. He was in shambles. Some of his fans were relieved, some like me, were still unsure. Then he gone quiet for a while, and then later it was known he was in serious debt. Helter skelter, lots more drama there.

Anyway, when the day came suddenly of his death, I'm sure to say, it was quite UNBELIEVABLE to the world. The news and confirmation of the death of The Prince of Pop spread like wild fire, and dramatic, though not ridiculous attempts of commemorating his life were compiled. And well, Malaysian enough, the pasar malams were already exploiting his death by selling MJ's pirated compiled albums and selling them for RM5 extra than the usual prices of song cds! Every radio station were playing his songs... One after another... Memories of his prime were suddenly re-lived and well, obvious devastation was inevitable to more than half of the world. And ironically, MJ's albums were selling like hotcakes once again. Every one who wanted a piece of him sprinted to the stores and sold out signs were put everywhere. This probably made him richer than he was for many years when he was alive.

The whole point of all this to me is, no matter what or who i will become in this life, it is more than crucial to know who I truly am myself. The world will constantly judge me. But it is my own choice to decide who will affect me and who won't. Life is not always about the world. Sometimes, being just me i guess, is good enough. Perhaps just with this, one day, people might come to remember me when i'm long gone. : )

Cheers~ ^_^

This is an AMAZING song by Enya!
The lyrics to me, shows how life has to keep moving on,
Despite whatever challenges, good or bad we must face.
And because there will always be surprises awaiting ahead,
That we should just move forward and not look back.
It is also quite exciting as it shows how life can be
so unpredictable yet surprising at times.
And that such uncertainty becomes evermore an
Adventure that one might actually come to enjoy!
So yeap! ^_^Even after listening to it many times over,
I still find its beautiful tune unbelievably addictive and peaceful!
As if bright hope is unselfish for sharing!
I hope you will enjoy it as much as i do. : )

Anywhere Is - Enya

I walk the maze of moments
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
And there I find another
It all seems so surprising
And then I find that I know

Chorus:
You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
Is swept around in motion
But without ever knowing
The reason for it's flowing
In motion on the ocean
The moon still keeps on moving
The waves still keep on waving
And I still keep on going

Chorus

I wonder if the stars sign
The life that is to be mine
And would they let their light shine
Enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
But night has clouded over
No spark of constellation
No Vela no Orion

The shells upon the warm sands
Have taken from their own lands
The echo of their story
But all I hear are low sounds
As pillow words are weaving
And willow waves are leaving
But should I be believing
That I am only dreaming

Chorus

To leave the thread of all time
And let it make a dark line
In hopes that I can still find
The way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
It's either this or that way
It's one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

Side Note :
Fate? You'll Never Know.
So, EMBRACE it. : )

Take Care Ya'll! ^_^

Recently, the blardy economic recession has taken a toll on the world!
Specifically in my tiny world, things havent been as good as i had hoped.
Sigh....

Constant worry that we won't be able to live as comfortably as now,
Has caused me to wonder....
"What if there's not enough to spend for groceries?"
"What if daddy cant pay his staff??"
"What if big units cant rent out???"
Arrgghhhh!! @,@
Mom intended me to worry about all this.
She's evil in that sense.
But i can't blame her. Swt...

So as i endure each passing day of my current, so-called HOLIDAY,
I find myself subjected to constant financial stress!
LOLS!! Something i shouldnt have to worry about,
And possibly even wouldnt know if i were in Uni studying ma butt off now!
Wakakaka....

But awwright...
Thats my share of "entertainment" as time passes now.
I can't stand it though!
I am a very inconsiderate child!
Seriously, i'm horrible! @,@

Every single SALES sign, i need to peek at!
Every single cheap CLEARANCE i need to participate!
Wth!! LOLS!! Am i SUCH a HOPELESS Shopaholic?
Gahhhh!! Do i not have a sense of guilt?!
Hopeless Creature. =,=*

Anyway,
What has been a relief for me recently is :
WUHUUUU!! All units rented out!
Except for one left!!
Oh! Yeahh And one more half sealed deal!
Ahhh Fingers crossed!! It will be done ASAP!!
And Thank Lord! Hopefully daddy's burden diringankan dy! :'')

Mmm....
Shann still needs to gambatteh though!
Gotta conquer maths next semester!
I shant be eaten alive, NO! XD
RELOAD ROCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You cheering me on?
Hahaha Just dont scream at me if i ask, k?
Wakakakkaa!! I need Uni............
Omg....................................................................
*Falls on the floor and STAYS THERE!* O,O

Cheers!! ^_^

Today when i was out working with mummy,
This song suddenly popped out of the radio!
Hahaha.... Yeap! RANDOMLY.
And as i listened to it, a deep nauseating truth showered over me like cold water.
Goshh, i said to myself, "Most of this is SO EFFING true!"
Heck, it was truer in highschool.
Although, i do hope the future would bring more surprises. : )
Nonetheless, good tune though aye!
Its been long since i heard it!
So, be my guest. ^_^

Bowling for Soup
Highschool Never Ends

HEY!
Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh
HEY!
Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh
HEY!

4 Years you think for sure
That's all you've got to endure
All the (total dicks)
All the Stuck-up Chicks
So superficial, so immature

Then When you graduate,
Ya take a look around and you say "Hey Wait!"
This is the same as where I just came from,
I thought it was over, Aw that's just great.

Chorus:
The Whole Damn World is just as obsessed
With who‘s the best dressed and (who's having sex)
Who‘s got the money. Who (gets the honeys)
Who‘s kinda cute and who‘s just a mess

And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends


High School Never Ends
Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh
HEY! (x2)

Check out the popular kids
You'll never guess what Jessica did!
And how did Mary Kate (lose all that weight?)
And (Katie had a baby so I guess Tom's straight!)

And the only thing that matters,
Is climbing up that social ladder
Still care about your hair and the car you drive
Doesn't matter if you're 16 or 35

Reese Witherspoon, she's the Prom Queen
Bill Gates, Captain of the chess team
Jack Black, the clown
Brad Pitt, the quarterback

Seen it all before
I want my money back!

Chorus

And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
(And you still listen to the same shit you did back then)

High School Never Ends
Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh
High School Never Ends

Solo

Chorus

And I still don't have the right look
And I still have the same 3 friends
And I'm pretty much - the same as - I was back then(hold en)

High School Never Ends
Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh, Oh Oh Oh-Oh
High School Never Ends (x2)

Peace Out Ya'll! ^,^W

Imagine if i were stuck in limbo,
No souls could be seen,
No, not even shadows.

Where darkness roam,
And sorrow lingers,
The once purposeful life forfeited.

No place to go,
No voice could be heard,
No, not even the cries of the haunted.

All alone,
To perish, to diminish,
No truth, or lies were of use at that minute.

Time passes,
The soul fades,
One could only hope for the passing,
Where hopefully judgment would take place.

Wither success,
Wither fails,
All was lost,
No hope prevails.

I suddenly felt like blogging.
Seconds ago, i was on the phone with LOTS of people
I suppose i should call- friends.

As i ended each call,
I realized my heart sunk deeper and deeper into my chest.
What is this feeling?
Rejection? Disappointment? Hope? Fear?
Emotions were in a bundle.

Why is it that i still have to take a deep breath,
Before i could make the next call?
Why is it that i fear moving down the number list?

Gosh! I hate being the organiser.
I fear having to send out SMS invites and getting n0 reply...
I feel sad when i don't receive any reply at all, especially after a day or two...
I dread that i need to re-call them again and yes, get rejected somemore...
Omg... Have you guys thought about me before?
How I have to get everything else sorted,
And still worry that you guys won't make it?
Be it whatever outing or whatever event?

I dont know if this is a normal reaction,
But i simply just feel that when these things happen,
I tend to lose faith, i tend to feel hurt.
I tend to question if these people care about me or not.

I don't mind the reply.
Even if it is a, "I'm sorry, i can't go this time because..."
And ends with a sincere, "I'll do my best to make it next time k?"
As long as you smsed back, or better still, called me back and explained.
NOT Miss call me and expect me to call you back!

Then again i think to myself,
Is it my own fault that i get turned down this often?
Is it my personality that people cannot accept that i dont know about?
Is it at all the issue of my own sensibility towards others?
Or have i been OVER-sensitive about things?

Frankly, i LOVE friends.
It is easy for me to love people, surprisingly easy.
But is this love necessary? I need to keep asking myself!
I don't understand....

Some whom i spoke on the phone sounded grave and strange.
Some seemed to didn't care much about what i was suggesting.
Some totally cut me off by saying,
"You're talking about serious stuff, i don't have time to talk about this!"
But what did i do first? I considerately asked if they were free to talk or not.
If they werent, i told them i would call them back later again.

But no, they would not reject me then.
They insisted they were free,
But when the topic crept in,
Immediately, i was laid off.

Omg... I have feelings too okayh...
Although i don't choose to be moody and grumpy in front of you!
I don't like people around me to worry about me and pry!
But please! Why can't there be more enthusiasm and more consideration?

I haven't known you guys long.
I suspect that this is why this is happening.
I cannot hope too much.
I shouldnt be so unconditional.

I dont remember myself never replying any urgent matters!
Especially those which needs confirmation!
I may take time at times, but i ALWAYS reply.
Why can't you do the same?

I know that things take time.
Yes, it does!
But at least let the person know!
Don't they deserve to be thanked for going through all that trouble?
Gosshh!! Now i understand why people pay tonnes for managers.
But i am seriously weary now.

I fear.
I never used to fear like this.
I cannot accept anymore cold replies.
Especially those with cuts in it.

Organising is such a painful job.
I wish i would never need to do more again.
But i know, there will still be these days.
Because I CARE.
Because i want to stay close!
Because i want to be with people i love!

Yet, i silently hope.
Hope that this love will not betray me any longer.
Hope that this love will sustain in me and never run out!
Everytime, much effort is needed for this battle...
Almost everytime, i get scrutinized and emotional.

How i wished just one day,
I neednt wake up to such a dreadful reality.
How i wished one day,
Everyone would be peaceful with everyone...
And this feeling i have now will never again exist...

I wish... :'''(

So i want to say THANK YOU to these people!
Who had made my life easier!
And because of what they have done,
Keep that torch of faith in me ignited!
I truly appreciate and love you guys!
Thank YOU........................................

Samantha~
For coming down all the way from Kuantan just to make it! Babe, you rock MAX!!! Hommies FOREVER!! I mean it! ^.^W

Philip~
For making every effort for every outing i invited you to! :D

Jacky~
For calling me using your daddy's phone, and apologising and explaining...
I really, REALLY appreciate that! :'')

Willis~
For making rejection less painful with all the Sorrys in your smses!
Hahahaha You really are one of a kind, Rocket Boy! ^_^

Chee Sum~
For having to deal with us every single time you organise an outing!
I seriously feel your pain now, and wonder if i have ever thanked you enough! :'')

Cheers to you all!
Have a wonderful holiday yeahh!
And and, see you on the 4th of Sept!! : )

今天总算有点好消息了。
这几天没有动静的生活，
终于有所进展了吗?

妈妈报告说，
向来很有本事读书的表哥，
终于得到了久等要出国深造的scholarship了!
但，他还没知道呢!
Wohohoo!! :D
人家有机会去英国度医科呢。。。
羡慕死我了!!!

除此之外，弟弟快转校的手续，
也差不多七七八八了!
希望能够得到多点折扣啦!
SERI SURIA 虽然不是我喜欢的那类学校，
但唉，幸亏我已经从高中毕业了!
永远也不用在烦穿着或指甲之类的规矩了!
呸 呸 呸!!!

然而，
心中还是有所空寥寥的感觉。
应该是因为大家身上都发生了将多happening的东东吧!
我也要!!! 呵呵~

最近我在尝试新方式的网上拍卖。
希望学好后成果会是满满的!
为我加油打气吧!!!
我不能放弃的!!!
啊!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!