Straightjacket Feeling.

There are many forms of freedom.
Freedom of speech,
Freedom of expression,
Freedom of action,
Freedom of choice
Freedom of who YOU want to be...

People who know me well (there arent many out there),
Knows that I enjoy having freedom.
Since teenage-hood, freedom has been something
I have always fought for.
Fought does also include the physical sense.

Arrogance, defiance, denial...
Yeahh All that happens when my freedom is challenged.
I hate being controlled.
I hate being fussed over.
I particularly despise being misunderstood.

Recently,
I find myself struggling to wriggle myself out of a tight clasp.
Its not that i dont appreciate the care from others,
But too much at a constant rate gets me suffocated.

When theres something that is NOT related to you happen,
And i feel irritated about and voice it out,
I get "soothed" with words like,
"Calm down" or "Dont angry la".
Goshh... I am not.

Please dont ever misunderstand,
I am ALWAYS COOL.
It is only when someone fusses about it,
That i start to get angry.
Like SERIOUSLY, YOU WILL KNOW IF I AM NOT OKAYH.
I will freak out so much, you wished you hadnt known me. X)

So omg......
Just take it easy...
Give me MY freedom and space to vent and express!
Quit asking me about this and that all the time!
Quit trying to calm me down with pats and whining.
I get seriously IRRITATED by it.
Its worst than me in a straightjacket. : (

If i need help, i will SURELY ask it!
Dont pry, dont involve yourself unnecessarily!
Everything ISNT ABOUT YOU all the time.
I hope you understand that.

Everybody has their privacy.
They deserve their own space.
Let them come to you!

Dont be OVER sensitive about things!
Try to be more forgiving, and less calculative!
Life would surely be MUCH better,
If you just let things come by naturally!
Instead of insisting for things to happen,
When it isnt suppose to.

True courage is when one DARES to be yourself,
Without pretend, without a mask.

Posted by zinrue

Saturday, October 24, 2009 at 7:22 PM , 2 Comments

God's Touch

I've always believed in God.
You can consider me a Christian, or an Atheist.
Never judge a person, if you don't understand their views of things.
I never liked the topic about religion.
Mainly because it is unending.
And I'm not typical.

But recently, something happened,
That made me believe even more that,
Yes, God has his way of planning destiny.
He has his reasons for things to happen,
For the better, or worst,
Everything eventually prevails.

Last two weeks or so,
I had a minor car accident in a small town,
Near my university where we were heading to have lunch at.
It was an unusually small stretch of road,
As it was in a somewhat close residential area.

While in the midst of parking my car,
I accidentally rammed into a curb on the tight left.
It was really low and unnoticeable,
And was also hidden in a maze of grass and weeds.

My heart stopped instantly when i heard my car scrape.
Parts of the skirting came off, the damage was done.
A huge surge of guilt washed over me.
My friends were in the car shocked as well.
So i didnt want to make a fuss about it.
We got down, and i removed the remnants of the skirting off,
So it no longer dragged the ground.

It was an unfortunate incident.
My mood was ruined for the day.
Especially when i had to break it to my parents.
I couldnt tell them what really happened.
All i could say was, another car pressured me to the side of the road
When I was on my way back home that night and it was dark.

I half expected to be yelled at or lectured.
But that wasn't the case.
Mum was upset, but she didnt say much.
Dad asked me what happened,
And after telling him, he merely said:
"Next time be more careful. Dont come back so late."
And that was it.

Sighhh...
I felt the guilt creep in more,
But all i could do was offer to pay for the repairs myself.
I wanted it to be my lesson too.
I wanted it to be a reminder for me to be MORE CAREFUL.
Ouchh... There goes my RM200+.

Anyway, God had a bigger plan ahead.
He intended for that happen for a bigger cause.
It troubled me to think it was possible at first,
But i am convinced now that God loves each of us differently.

This past Wednesday was my Uni friend Jacky's birthday.
Sam and I planned to have this small celebration for him.
That instead of having the cliche CAKE,
We decided to get him two tubs of ice-cream. : )

Willis is Jacky's best friend.
They didnt have anymore classes after 11am.
So he offered to accompany me to Tesco to get the grubs.
Having given him permission to drive us to KL previously,
I allowed him to drive my car again.
[ Note: I dont usually trust ppl with my car. ]

All was good as we safely got there.
On the way back, what seemed like an unlikely lapse,
Has caused him to ram across a divider on the left.

Initially when he neared it,
I suspected it was quite close as i was on the passenger's seat.
I didnt think he would steer left even more when accelerating.
Thus, crashing the car's skirting again.

He was dumbstruck, and I was nerve wrecked!!
He kept apologising and said
It was his first time encountering an accident.
For me, i was thinking,
"Thank LORD it was already damaged!!"
So i assured him by saying it was alright.

Imagine if i hadnt had that accident 2 weeks before,
What would happen now? What position would i be in?
He would be drowning in self guilt,
And i would be struggling to deal with the dilemma.

Honestly, i would rather crash my own car and face up,
Rather than have people crash MY car and I face up.
Phheeww~ A sigh of relief.

God works his magic in different ways.
He means for things to happen,
For a bigger cause than ourselves.
This has taught me to embrace my circumstance,
Good or bad, because i will never know,
What other plans he has installed.

So for now, i am grateful for this epiphany.
And whatever comes my way, let it come. : )
Optimism, the solution for every what-comes-next.

Cheerio~! ^_^

Posted by zinrue

Friday, October 23, 2009 at 3:04 AM , 1 Comment

Hanging.

Justtt.... GREAT.
I'm at uni now at 9am for a project,
Class doesnt start till 3pm.
And what do i find?
My good friend who was SUPPOSED to meet me now,
UNREACHABLE.

You better not be drooling in your bed right now.
I've called you twice and you're still not picking up.
No Milo Ice can make up for what you're doing to me.
LOLS!! Get your butt over here now!! >.<

Grrrr.................................................................!!!

Posted by zinrue

Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 6:11 PM , 0 Comments

Understatement.

Yesterday was horrible.
I wished I had more self control, and less self assertion.
The world clearly revolves around by its own means.
I just wanted it to go the other direction.

At times, i'm not sure if it is insanity,
Or if its pressure that drives me to frustration then tears.
It is irritating and selfish to hope for belonging in a society.
I can't blame anyone but myself for this.
Maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Unready for the new week to begin,
I drove to school alone with a heavy heart.
Unlike the one i always do my best to keep cheerful and happy.
Was i tired? Or just... Moody?

Maths exam is next week.
I don't feel fully prepared,
But i am hopeful i will pass this time.
God please bless me enough for me to continue...

Things feel different.
I feel suddenly lonely again.
That awful distress i've been trying to begone forever,
Has turned around to bite me again.

Why is this happening?
Do i despise having a Chinese mentality?
Speaking, expressing, and pretending to be something i'm not?
Is this the outcome of graduating from an international school?

I still love me very much.
I want to be accommodating to everyone else.
But i do not feel i am doing it very well.
I can't utter cool chinese idioms to impress everyone!
I can't speak as fluently as i used to since after primary school.

I am tired of searching.
I am tired of smiling or laughing without meaning.
I want to just live. LIVE.
I feel so left out. : (

Perhaps i should navigate myself away.
No one knows how much effort it is for me to tolerate.
I just cant live like this.
I dont want to be known for being moody.
I dont want to be known for being an outcast,
Or a person with nothing but ulterior motifs.

I need my best friend.
I need more people I love around me.
Not people i feel awkward or uncomfortable with.
I need more people who has the patience to get to know me.
And who can accept me for who i am,
And not turn me away...

Thank you Chun Hoe for being there for me.
It was horrendous of me to burden you like that.
I'm sorry you had to worry about me.
I hope you will never have to see me in that shape again.
You are truly a good friend.
I should appreciate you more. ^_^

As for Sandyman...
I miss you tonnes and tonnes...
I cant rush your exams to be over sooner,
Eventhough i've prayed so hard for it to happen.
Please hang in there as i am hanging on...
I need a big BIG hug from you... :''(

Posted by zinrue

at 4:48 AM , 1 Comment

Heres MY Answer. : ]

I stumbled upon a curious, nosy rodent today!
It/She asked me, "Have you taken your pills?"
I was having too much fun to reply you... Till NOW. X)

Here's my answer, subject!
"My pills are at home, where you left your brains too!"
Muuahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.......

You better wish you were this cute! X)

Cheerio!! X)

Posted by zinrue

Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 7:43 AM , 3 Comments

More meaning than just Lanterns.

Yesterday was Mooncake Festival.
Unlike the past years, we had a dinner party. : )
The food was gorgeously scrumptious!
Although i must mention that the company wasn't as good. XD
Anyway, just wanted to intro my cousin's daughter?
I cant relate the correct relationship with this girl...
Hahahah Trust me, i've been sitting here trying to figure out.
Is she my niece? HAHA!!
Sorry... I can never be sure with these things. @,@

Meet Bentha! Shes from Holland! :D
My eldest aunty's grand-daughter! XD
Isnt she a little cutie?
She's only ONE this year!
And shes STRONG!! @,@

HAHAAHHAHA....
Meet her lantern!! ^_^
Talk about a "tradisional" lantern!
Hehe This one was cheeky! X)

We helped light up some normal lanterns too!
But they burned out eventually. X]
No more melting candles onto gates this year.
Guess i do grow up and out of these things. Hah. : (

Anyhuu anyhuu!!
I ended up watching Four Weddings and A Funeral on TV instead!!
Guess what? I LOVED IT!! HAHAHAAHA!!
Hugh Grant did a good job!
But i find the storyline more exceptional though! ^_^
I particularly felt touched by the following lines
Originally written by W.H. Auden. :'')

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bonel,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin,
Let the mourners come.
Let the aeroplanes circle,
Moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves,
Let traffic policemen wear black, cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East, and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

Simply Beautiful :'')
Now you know why i think literature is AWESOME? XD
School starts tomorrow!
Awwhhhh.... Hahahahaha.... *suppresses lazy bone*

Cheers!! : )

Posted by zinrue

Sunday, October 4, 2009 at 6:40 AM , 2 Comments

First Week ^_^

Hahahahahaa....
Yeap yeap YEAP!
You could call THIS a splendid FIRST week alright! ^_^
What we did? LOLS Was HARD CORE. X)
Day #1 is in my previous post. : )
What happened next?

Day #2
To the playground near the bridge connecting to Uni!
The one opposite the Guard House!
Our battle zone! XD

Our weapons? Rocket looking fire-crackers.
Muuahahahahaa.....!!
We forgot the lighter!! :S So what did I do?
Ran to the guardhouse, borrowed one from the guard!
LMAO!!
"Untuk apa?"
"Untuk merrrcu...ARHEMM...Untuk LILIN. X)"

Willis planting a massive KABOOM!! X]

Lols His evil scheme. @,@

The others were afraid!! XD

Some grew up looking innocent!
Yet they were not so afraid. :D
Hahahahahaa....

Kepong was just WICKED! LOLS!!
Doesnt he look like the evil scientist from Igor? XD!!

Zuhair and Sam plunged right in!!
AWESOME stuff! XD

Jacky felt it was good to just POSE next to the bombs! X]

Having audiences was better than having none. : )

Interesting afternoon, no? X]

Day #3
HAHA... Four hours to kill?
The Ugly Truth it is!! :D
"I like a lady on TOP!" XD!!
"Man-whore!!" O,O
"Foul-mouthed SLUT!!" @,@
Wohohohohhoho.....

Then? Pork Mee!! :9

LOLS!! Zuhair.... Wakakkakaa!!
DONT Ask. He might get killed. XD!!!

Day #5
Is this Moral Class?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHA!!!!!!

CUZZIE!!! :D

HAHA Chee Hao!! ^_^
He got us safely here...
Here where? Time Square! LOLS!!
I hope my mom NEVER sees this blog! XD!!

Our first picture!
All smiles aye? :D

Hahahaha Why does Chee Hao look shy here? X)

We walked around time square for a wee while...
Sam and I got our eyebrows fixed... LOLS!!
Then we went with the boys to Law Yat!
They got their External Hard-disks and HEADPHONES!! :D
Hahahaha Boy, were they excited!! ^_^
Sam and I popped in to Sg Wang to get my bag!

The bag i failed to get after 2 tideous attempts!!
FINALLY!!! XD
She got herself a pair of HOT FLOPS too!!
Wheeeeeeee.....!!

ALOT of walking... X)
Went back to Time square to meet the others.
Helped Zuh pick out a pair of casual shoes. : )
Jeanette and Jack managed to do a little shopping as well! ^_^

After we FLEW ourselves back to the monorail station,
It was a real effort to be devilishly inconsiderate. LOLS!!
Yess, it was already 5 something...
We PUSHED ourselves into the train.
Like salmons trying to flip their way upstream for mating season!
Okaaayyyhh THAT sounded wrong. @,@
Fast forward through traffic complications faced at KtmStation,
We managed to get back to uni was around 6.45pm!! Lols!!
Exhausted and famished, i still made my way home safely! ^_^

CRAZY alright!
And crazy is the PERFECT way i like it! ^_^
Thanks Ya'll!!
Its good to be BACK! X]

Cheers!! : )

Posted by zinrue

Saturday, October 3, 2009 at 8:47 AM , 0 Comments

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